Luminara

I am not a fan of jmtb02, and I hate shooters a big time, but "Luminara" is a wonderful creation with these two elements that somehow pleased me thoroughly to my balls.

Cutting Through Confusion Badge (easy – 5 points)
Orientation is the first step to mastering the destruction of colored lights. Start by scoring 20,000 points.

Okay, so some of the COCAK boys are seemingly ready for a second wave of flaming. While I don't recall being engaged into a walkthrough speedrun competition with them, I think something is worth of me reiterating over, that is I do shit upon games containing nothing more than trash but also praise those which I regard as masterpieces and treat them with respects. And it is so much of a good coincidence that I am about to introduce "Luminara" as the first pick into our Must-play game list.

Light Life Badge (hard – 30 points)
Complete all 50 levels without losing a life.

You may try to theorize that I am a damn loser creating all these excuses after a COCAK member jumped out and condemned me in a holiness, but I will tell whomever that shit up something like that to go have a big fuck with your own tight ass with a portal gun - while the COCAK juvenile left his comment on 11/20, I already created a "pure" video guide for this planned article on 11/18:



[How to Kongregate] Making Screencasts with CamStudio @ Luminara

Some juveniles are really an impulsive bunch, but unfortunately for them, this time they can't flame me for not playing according to their standards. Really, I do offer links to COCAK, but I don't read into them; if you don't like what I write in here, why the fuck do you keep checking back? Save some strength for yourself, stranger.

Rating



All in all, "Luminara" is a game worth some positive attentions. From graphics to musics to the progression of difficulty through the levels, "Luminara" is an excellent example among its genre - which is pathetically overrun by brainless wastes - and deserves being experienced by you. I'll save the rest for you to try it out yourself.


: Must-play

(Read into the full article...)

Bloons Tower Defense 2

And so we continue on into "Bloons Tower Defense 2". Frankly, I can't perceive any significant improvements; it's more like an "expansion set", a good excuse invented by software engineers to cover up their delayed progress. Sure, we've got laser monkeys and others, but there is nothing new if you look deeper into it.

Bloon Popper Badge (easy – 5 points)
Complete level 20 on "easy".

So look, Kongregate is being mean again by asking you to fuck over this game at least three times to clean up all three badges.

Bloon Destroyer Badge (medium – 15 points)
Complete level 35 on "medium".

They want you to become a stinking junk before your computer all over the weekend.

Bloon Slaughterer Badge (hard – 30 points)
Complete level 50 with at least 40 lives remaining in "hard" mode.

Do we fuck along with their evil endeavors? Of course no! So we'll just do it like how we did to the first installment:




And you'll discover life can be this easy.

Rating



There aren't enough new features for this one to be treated as a qualitative sequel. Failing to come up with some damn impressive new elements equals to being a poor game.

(Read into the full article...)

Bloons Tower Defense

"Bloons Tower Defense" is nothing more than another pathetic copy of that DTD thing. No cute boobies, no special shits, even no bananas.

Balloon Fighter Badge (hard – 30 points)
Defeat all 50 waves without letting a single inflated terror penetrate your defenses.

(Ctrl+A)

It's no big secret that this whole game can be tweaked by Cheat Engine; the author even explicitly stated that inside the game:




See? The author cheated too. Now where the fuck were those damnass teenagers flaming every of whom that wish not to follow those self-established guidelines of you "purists", dubbing we free players as n00bs? Come stand the fucking forth! Now you dare to call the author a crap fucking n00b as well? Shut your fucking pussies up if you dare not!

Rating



Super monkeys were fun for a while, but that doesn't cover the fact this game is pretty lame in terms of available elements. Let's check out "Bloons Tower Defense 2" and see if there are any improvements.

(Read into the full article...)

Red

"Red" itself is not a bad game, but our friends in the office of Kongregate just know too well about how to transform everything marvelous into endless torments. Screw Kongregate!

That said, we are still going to get the badges. How dumb we are.

Martian Recruit Badge (easy – 5 points)
Load up the gun turret and fend off the attacking asteroids for 100 seconds.

For every 100 seconds a "big one" will come, which means if you can make it to the first "big one", you will be able to get this badge. Very simple, it is.

Defender of Mars Badge (hard – 30 points)
Survive for 600 seconds.

Similarly, this expects you to stay alive to see at least six "big ones", which is not very easy. And for those of you who are using Cheat Engine, you will probably find this one difficult to handle if you lack some inspirations, so I am going to show you how:



[How to Kongregate] Flash Game "Red" Cheat Walkthrough

(You are recommended to view this video in full-screen mode for all the details.)

I am not going to explain all the technical details unless there really are interested people, so if you suck at this one but are damn eager for this badge, just follow what I did inside the video to soothe your pain. And use it at your own risk - if you are truly a clueless donkey ass with no salvation, can't figure out the one right value to pick up from 50 entries or can't even do multiplications of elementary level, for you own sake, either don't do it, or don't come back complaining to me that something has fucked up during the process and your browser's now broken, after you have, well, fucked the whole thing up.

Rating



I won't say I like this one, but the music does win some part of me.

(Read into the full article...)

More Bloons

Boobs! "More Bloons"! Let us pop up some fake boobies together, gentlemen! The war against silicone bewbies HAS BEGUN!! W00t-h00t!!!

Merry Poppins Badge (easy – 5 points)
Pop 1000 balloons without using unlimited darts mode.

Wow, this is a shitty easy one! Just go find some 500 sluts and have their cosmetic titties all popped up! Don't find cute young chicks because theirs tend to be real and can't be popped... I mean, don't find cute young chicks while you are attempting this task; their bouncing sweet melons are still the best choice once you are done with this mission!

Mass Deflation Badge (medium – 15 points)
Complete all 50 levels with or without unlimited darts.

Mass deflation! The end of plastic tits! Come face your final judgment, gals!!! I would recommend you this specific walkthrough; there are also some video guides on YouTube but they are not complete. Now, meet the One Magical Hand, the Grab of Truth, that can distinguish fake from real and send all implanted poseurs back to their doctors in one instant:



[How to Kongregate] Unlock All 50 Levels of More Bloons within 2 Minutes

With so many ways, I am sure you will find the method that suit you best! Let us onward, onward! To the total destruction of all fake balloons!

Rating



LONG LIFE TO BIG REAL BOOBIES!!!


: Recommended

(Read into the full article...)

Rings

"Rings" is essentially a cheap modification to the "Tower of Hanoi" game.

Ring Leader Badge (medium – 15 points)
Score 100,000 points and submit your score.

This isn't particularly hard, but if you need to, you can always use Cheat Engine to modify the score directly.

(Ctrl+A)

You may end up with 2 or 3 final values; simply change them all to an identical new value which you'd like it to be will do.

And remember you must submit your score to get the badge for this one.

Rating



Short review and no music almost always equal to sucky rating here. Doesn't mean long articles are all for good games, though.

(Read into the full article...)